im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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