I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
