shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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