I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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