You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize