I wish I only lived at night.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize