thus making me awesome and them whores
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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