just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
