If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
