Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
