Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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