Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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