FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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