Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
