are you so shy because you have an std?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
