My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
