There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Randomize