I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Someone signed my nipple.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
