it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
