Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
