Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
