I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
