Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
