I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
it was like eating out sand paper
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
