TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
