I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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