The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You are a genius and a whore.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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