I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
