shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
