what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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