I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
