There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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