Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
