its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
