I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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