Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
