seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
