you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
