me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
