i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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