it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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