i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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