i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
