I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Randomize
