Sorry, I don't speak sober.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
