some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
