What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
