Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
