I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
