If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
