I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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