Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
