You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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