I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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