is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
