nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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