Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I need a beard to bite.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
