There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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