I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
