You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
