Jerry, you need to find god
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize