And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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