i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
