one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
