Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
They are going to name an STD after you.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
