I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
